The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
