Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
