WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
