Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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