): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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