My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize