Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize