my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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