We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
