FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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