I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
