he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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