i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
