Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
