So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
