3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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