i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
