I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
God, I missed his penis.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
