Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
