i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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