I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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