I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I would fuck him just for his dog
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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