Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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