All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
