I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
