my soul wont recognize me after tonight
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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