There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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