Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
