That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
