I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
