i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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