I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
