Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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