I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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