where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
