Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
