I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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