If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
