She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
