Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
