what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
This is the prime rib incident all over again
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
