my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
