Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
