I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
