Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
