Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
