Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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