I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
