Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
