The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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