God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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