Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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