the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
