If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
this beer tastes like vomit already
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
