her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
