Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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