i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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