I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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