i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
